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Florence Moyer

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On Stress and Values

The tightness at the back of my neck used to start when I was at my desk.

Now it’s there when I wake up. 

My over-thinking, second-guessing, and doom-scrolling have skyrocketed. 

I’m more scattered, tense, weepy, and way more tired than, well, ever.

I. Am. So. Stressed.

You, too?

Massive uncertainty, that’s unlikely to let up any time soon, is sparking massive stress. 

The kind that can wreck your digestion, weaken your immune system, cause weight gain, trigger a heart attack, sideline your sex life, and cover your face in adult acne while also enhancing your wrinkles. 

Even as it shortens your life.

Then again, stress might not be the real problem, at least according to what researchers call the new science of stress.

Are you a good stress or a bad stress?

In her book The Upside of Stress, health psychologist Kelly McGonigal – who literally made her living teaching people how to manage stress – describes a study that changed her thinking about stress.

In 1998, thirty thousand adults in the US were asked two questions: how much stress have you experienced in the past year and do you think that stress is harmful to your health. 

Eight years later, the researchers determined how many of those thirty thousand had died, and discovered that high levels of stress increased the risk of dying by 43 percent.

Duh, right? 

But wait. There’s more. 

That 43% increase in the risk of dying only applied to people with both high levels of stress and also a belief that stress was harmful to their health. 

Stress alone wasn’t killing people at higher rates.

Stress plus believing that it’s harmful was. 

Sounds like a new age-y, wishing-will-make-it so fantasy, right?

Wrong. Significant peer-reviewed research over the past fourteen years supports that, when it comes to the negative effects of stress, our mindset about stress is key. 

Stress Mindset

Dr. McGonigle’s definition of stress:

Stress is what arises when something you care about is at stake.

So it’s not a weakness or an evil plot to make you miserable.

It’s a signal to pause and consider your values, the people, things, and ideals that you care about. 

And it goes hand in hand with having a meaningful life. 

You don’t stress about things you don’t care about, and you can’t create a meaningful life without experiencing some stress.

I’m going to go out on a limb here and suggest that stress isn’t going away.

And that’s not a bad thing. 

Changing your stress mindset is a first step toward not only minimizing its negative effects, but also growing well-being and resilience. 

So, the next time you feel that tension in your neck or want to hit something or scream or cry or long for Calgon to take you away, pause and ponder what you care about and how it’s at stake. 

That thing that’s stressing out just might be there, not to steal your joy, but  to help you more fully appreciate, honor, and value that thing that you hold so dear. 

Image: Meslissa Askew @ unsplash

An Uprising of Kindness

I was working at my desk, frustrated by a tedious project, when I thought I heard a tap at my front door. 

I ignored it. It happened again. I ignored it. Three more times. 

On the way to the mailbox a while later, I almost tripped over an bundle of carrots on the front step, complete with a note: Merry Christmas Bunny. 

I later discovered that my next-door neighbor got way too many carrots in her grocery order, so she gifted my bunny with what was basically the equivalent of a six-month supply. 

Her act of kindness was small, but it had a big impact. 

Positive Navigation · 011 An Uprising of Kindness

Kindness Amid Chaos

If you’re thinking, yikes, now she’s going to tell me that doing a small act of kindness will end the pandemic, save democracy, and make my life stress free, spare me already, I get it.

I’m not here to tell you that a single act of kindness is going to heal the world.

It’s going to take way more than one kind act.

But here’s what a single kindness can do: it can fuel both the giver and the receiver to better navigate life’s inevitable challenges. 

And a whole bunch of single acts of kindness strung together – an uprising of kindness – just might go a long way toward healing the world. 

Better to Give Than to Receive

In a workplace study in Spain, people were asked to be deliverers of kindness, by performing acts of kindness for colleagues, or be receivers, counting the number of kind acts received from coworkers. 

Who do you think benefitted more, the givers or the receivers?

Surprise! The adage turned out to be true in this study, since, while the receivers of kindness did become happier, the deliverers – the givers of kindness – benefitted even more.

The participants who performed kind acts for others experienced more happiness, less depression, and boosts in both job satisfaction and life satisfaction. 

There was also a ripple effect in which the receivers of kindness were likely to pay kindness forward, thus becoming deliverers as well.

Which is pretty important when you figure that, if we were all waiting around for someone to be kind to us, it wouldn’t take long for acts of kindness to go the way of civil debate over, well, just about anything. 

So notice the kindness you receive, but do kind things for others, too. 

Snippets of Kindness

Wait, I’m stressed from the chaos in the world and exhausted from way too many Zoom meetings. I don’t have the time or the energy to add a whole new project to my life.

Take a breath. 

It’s easier than you think to inject your days with snippets of kindness-giving. 

You can:

  • Be intentional about letting someone go ahead of you in traffic. Bonus points if you were really in a hurry.
  • Look the cashier in the eye and smile (behind your mask, of course) and mean it when you say “have a good day.”
  • Ask a coworker how their day is going and really listen to their response. 
  • If there’s a spoiled house rabbit in your neighborhood, you could even leave extra carrots on their doorstep, but greens would be even better.

An Uprising of Kindness

It’s no secret that we’re living in incredibly challenging times.

And that it’s going to take way more than snippets of kindness to solve our really big problems.

It’s going to take getting excited and being uncomfortable, learning and humility, listening and acting, holding internal boundaries and working relentlessly for social change, and doing it poorly and trying again and getting better at it, over and over and over.

I believe it’s also going to take an uprising of kindness.

Let’s get started. 

Resolve to Resolve

So, how’re those New Years Resolutions coming along?

You’re kidding, right?

I survived 10 months of a pandemic that’s taken the lives of 350,000 Americans, spend most waking hours on Zoom, lose track of what day it is, and can’t remember when I showered last. Isn’t that enough?

I get it. We’re living amid epic chaos and uncertainty, and we’re exhausted.

Even so, a resolution or two might just give you a positive boost, so, if you choose to pursue a few, here’s some research that can help you rock them.

Positive Navigation · 010 Resolve to Resolve

The Time is Now

Psychology professor, John Norcross, at the University of Scranton, compared three groups: people who wanted to make a change in the new year, folks who were contemplating change but not necessarily around January first, and people who were all in with resolution-making at the first of the year. 

Among the folks who embarked on resolutions at the New Year, 46% were still going strong with their positive change six months later. The other groups? Not so much.

Sure, 46% isn’t the greatest success rate, but it’s greater than zero, so if you’re going to resolve, now’s the best time. 

How to Resolve

OK, you’re going to resolve. When and how is the best way to do it?

  • make a list of resolutions and just go for it with no outside support
  • make a list and also seek a bit of outside support to stay on track, or 
  • make a super-concrete list of measurable resolutions complete with clear time frames for their accomplishment and enlist long-term, ongoing support.

Don’t stress out too much over choosing the right way: in a year-long study of a thousand resolution-makers, Swedish psychology professor Per Carlbring discovered that, no matter which of the above conditions they chose, participants had a 55% success rate – 10 points higher than in the Scranton study – which, again, is higher than zero. 

The most successful: group two, the ones who simply made a list and sought a bit of support.

Why no details or timelines? Carlbring suggests that creating and possibly failing to complete an intermediate step is demotivating enough to make resolvers decide to ditch their resolutions before completing them. 

Will-Over-Won’t and Starting-Over-Willing

Participants in Carlbring’s study were more successful when they worded their resolutions with I will rather than I won’t:  I will be more proactive and positive in dealing with challenging clients is more effective than I will stop letting really challenging clients wear me down.  

Similarly, resolution makers were more successful when they started resolutions with I will start to as in, I will start to walk three times a week rather than I will complete a couch-to-marathon training this year. 

Still in the Messy Middle

If you’re still hesitant about doing the resolution thing this year, consider this from Senior Fellow at the Greater Good Science Center, Christine Carter: the challenges of 2020 aren’t over just because we’re writing the date differently. 

At the beginning of the pandemic, we collectively freaked out. And then we acted. Food drives, birthday parades, applauding health care workers at 7:00 p.m. Then we got tired. And more tired. To the point that we’re basically exhausted now. 

Carter writes, “It’s too early to give up, friends. This messy middle is hard, and the coming year is not likely to be anything close to “normal.” Instead of just waiting—another year, maybe more—for it all to be over, we’ll do better to re-engage with the things that bring us meaning in life.”

So take on a resolution that will bring you meaning, rather than just because it’s what people have always done in January.

Happy resolving. Be well, do good, and seek joy in the ride. 

image: dsmacinnes @ unsplash

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